Buying your first instrument, one you actually like and not one forced upon you by a parent, is a euphoric experience. I actually describe the feeling to people as "winning the Super Bowl and then some." There's deep respect for a new instrument, it's almost like a new best friend. And ever since I purchased my first guitar from Buddy Rogers Music in Cincinnati, Ohio, I've studied how humans behave in music stores.
I've been lucky to be a professional musician for some time now, which means I frequent music stores for new gear and to try out the latest gadgets. I pick odd hours to make my music purchases, like Mondays at 10:01am. Why? Because a music store run has a possibility of doing permanent damage to one's musical psyche. It's not the store or employees that necessarily do the damage, but a small percentage of the patrons I call "guitar jocks." They can be hell to be around. For all of you musicians out there reading this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. For those people who don't, here are the top nine signs of a music store guitar jock.
1. Token, repetitive blues licks.
First, if you're going to play a blues riff, you better understand what you're playing. The blues isn't cosmetic music; blues is an ancient, spiritually driven form of music created by African-Americans who were enslaved, oppressed and poverty stricken. What gave them strength and inspired them to tell their stories through prose were these wonderful, sacred melodies. The guy in Creed didn't invent blues solos and learning patterns from a Mel Bay book ain't going to show ya the way to feelin' bluesy, neither will a stack of guitar tabs. So consider it a privilege to play this form of music and don't try to show off with it. Some good old-fashioned strumming might be in order here.
2. Out of tune, out of intonation – I'm out of patience.
Hey, I'm not a music snob. There are plenty of classic rock records where some of the songs are slightly out of tune because bands recorded live back in the day. But something sonically goes terribly wrong when these faux guitar heroes pluck those geetar strings – I'm talking the kind of out of tune where my dog, Gary, would bypass eating his steak snacks if one of these guitar jocks were playing in the same room with him. Today we have digital tuners and tons of technology, but the guitar jocks are so focused on impressing other patrons with their masterful playing, they usually forget to tune their guitars. Oops.
3. Unnecessary volume.
Hey man, have no concern that a music store is a place of business and employees use the phone and their possible customers have questions. Go ahead, turn up the half stack and play a giant E chord. You might feel big and strong, but now I feel agitated and kind of mean. Maybe music stores could design a special room for these players, like a day care room where they can have their own American Guitar Idol show. Irreverent and unaware of their selfish behavior, few guitar jocks turn down the volume even after they've been asked to the first time.
4. They will never buy anything.
Not even a handful of picks you ask? Nope! Shut down the register and grab a cup of coffee because there's going to be no ringing at that register; 20 silly questions later will still equal no transaction. It's almost like guitar jocks pack their lunch before they head to a music store. If I may quote a famous '80s movie: "Don't you people have homes?"
5. Copying licks they hear in the other room.
There is one thing guitar jocks despise more than anything in a music store and that's an actual good guitar player. Be a fly on a wall the next time you visit a music store; I guarantee you there'll be at least one guitar jock present. They have a keen competitive radar and will always try to copy the licks of another music store patron who might be "shredding" on the other side of the room.
6. Mean game face.
No smiles from these lads, guitar jocks mean business and the competition is on. They all have those faces like the people on the poker championships on ESPN2. Music should make you smile, man.
7. Brought their own ugly guitar.
You're trying out a billion guitars, but you brought your own pink guitar to the music store, a guitar that literally looks like a farm implement. You could cut meat with some of those sharp angles. Was it necessary to airbrush your name on the headstock?
8. Cryptic Bach and Beethoven scales.
I can't think of anything uglier and more un-musical than hearing distorted and broken music scales repeated over and over. The deal is this: Guitar jocks love sweeping up and down music scales, but they always screw up halfway through them because they're trying to play at warp speed. So in turn, they inevitably start the scales over and then botch them again. When an instrument sounds like a sick mammal, I'm outta there!
9. Maybe you have a guitar jock story?
Send me an e-mail at billmike@visi.com.
The moral of the story: Music shouldn't be a triathlon. Music comes from a place of celebration and a place of depth where competition doesn't and shouldn't exist. Find your own identity on your instrument and focus on that. You'll feel great about yourself and have no need to compete.
Musical competitors play out of fear and insecurity. Period. In my opinion, they have a really strange perception of what music is. Music for this small group of people becomes more of a technical and mechanical exercise and lacks any hint of human emotion.
Next time you hit a music store, isolate yourself and shut out the rest of the world so you can hear your real self play your instrument. Listen to your sounds and actually make music in the purist of forms, on the spot.
Bill Mike is a recording and touring artist based in Minneapolis. He fronts his own rock band, the Bill Mike Band, and performs with DJ ESP, MC Carnage and Haley Bonar, as well as teaches composition and guitar at the Linden Hills House of Music.
Contact Bill Mike at:
billmike@visi.com
www.myspace.com/billmikeband |
